with Pride we Lead.

Finally after my long long three weeks of Saturday duties,
and not spending a night home since CNY, I get to enjoy a normal weekend to myself.

And thinking back, my misery started on that Christmas Eve guard duty.
Following which is the book-out day duty before battalion off before New Year.
Then it's another book-out day the following week,
with duties every four days until the next Sunday, the book-in day.
Finally a break for me thanks to myself switching away the duty on CNY Eve's eve.
Immediately on the Saturday after CNY, it's another duty followed by two more Saturday duties.
And another duty yesterday after taking over Sunny thanks to his eye,
here I am at home on a Friday night.
Being at home on a Friday night knowing the next time I'll be in camp is Sunday night just feels good.

And already so many things happened in this period of time.
BMT started.
Field Camp's coming up on 1st March.
And I don't remember the last time I went out with my friends or family.
Feels so much that I have no life and no friends anymore actually.
Wonder how my life will be like after I ORD. :/



And then the lost feeling I get upon thinking about what I do.
So what actually defines a good Specialist?
What's the role of a Specialist anyway?
If the job of an Officer is just to plan, then let the Specialist execute,
are we supposed to execute the plan even if we know it's screwed up,
or do we choose to execute the plan doing what is right and changing what is wrong?
If we are expected to do that, and with the Officers always doing a bad job,
are we expected to get overworked all the time?
Are the Specialists still the commanders of a lower level considering that they would instead be doing much more work compared to an Officer in this way?
Or do Specialist just do what they are told and if anything goes wrong, it's because instructions weren't given clearly and the plans were not being done well enough?

I feel so lost and unmotivated.
Maybe I'm just tired.
But then again am I doing enough to even deserve to feel tired?
Constant efforts have been put in but results are just not showing,
then can that be justified as enough work have been done?
Or is it that I am just not trying hard enough?

Even as I choose to rest and do nothing,
or not be there just because in fact my presence is not absolutely necessary,
I constantly feel the need to know what's happening.
And I really need to know everything that's going on to put my mind at ease,
also knowing that things are going smoothly and nothing is getting screwed up.

But even if I do know that something's wrong, what am I supposed to do?
Try to make things right?
Not give a damn and see what happens next, probably seeing things getting screwed so people will learn?

Is it my job to ensure everything is alright all the time even if they do not concern me?

May I just ask again, what exactly defines a good Specialist?

If we are expected to overwork all the time, with overworking actually not even considered overworking, then may I just suggest that we are just underpaid and under-appreciated.

Efforts are not always noticed, Appreciation are not always given.
But when both is seen, that is what pushes people on to do more things.

Life is so sad that even when I finally get to enjoy a normal book-out,
I can't really stop myself from thinking about my job.
And even if I do manage to do that, what else can I think about?
After so long of almost zero interaction with anybody else other than people in camp,
I really don't know what else I can do already.

If you ask me now, then maybe the only thing I hope for is for everything to end soon.








Byeall.